First Initial Steps to Win Her Back - Get Your Ex Back Fast


Some says: If you know what women want, you can rule the world.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Step By Step Seduction

Here I concretely lay out what we’ve covered to this point – a step-by-step guide from meeting a lady to getting her in your bed. Follow these steps religiously and you’ll do tons better than the guy thinking “God I want to sleep with HER!” Guaranteed.
Where are we?
By now we’ve talked a number of times about the STEPS approach, how you need to focus not on bringing a woman home, but instead on going one further step down the path that will lead to intimacy.
Still, we haven’t specifically listed each step – and some we haven’t even specifically stated. So before we unleash your new crazy powerful skills upon the world, let’s make sure you know the path you want to walk.
The First Step
Have your place READY for a lady.This doesn’t mean you need some insane Daddy Mac love pad with the potion of seduction enveloping every little item and cranny. What this DOES mean is you need your place presentable at every moment.
When you step out the door, is it dirty? Do you have old socks or pizza boxes hanging around? Would you bring a girl back to your pad, given its current state?
If the answer is no, you need to work on that spatial hygiene. Now you don’t need to be able to eat off the floor, but you do need your bathroom to NOT repel with its smell, your floor to be visible, and your general organization to be a cut above the mad professor.
Go too far and you look a bit like a neat freak – but that’s miles better than looking like a slob. The worst stereotype about neat men is they aren’t interested in ladies – and hopefully, you’ll be able to prove to your targeted woman that isn’t true within a few moments.
However, if you manage to elicit a lady’s disgust factor (and everyone has theirs triggered by different things – although generally, the closer you get to the toilet, the higher the risk) you can ruin a night’s worth of work. Nothing like having your place be a deal-breaker.
So, take the time. Keep it clean. Always. You never know when opportunity will present itself. Be a boy scout and be ready.
Even better, have your showcase skill or some other interesting object(s) in easy view. If you play guitar, don’t keep it in a closet, but set it up in your main room or bedroom in plain view. If you want to bring a woman over to “look at art” have the art book handy and displayed.
In other words, have the bait you’re using to lure to your lair in easy reach. When you arrive to show off that new CD, it looks more natural and genuine if it isn’t in the bottom of a drawer. If you want to show off your photo skills (one of my favorites), have your camera ready to go.
This isn’t rocket science. Just have a place that wouldn’t threaten anyone – and hopefully lends itself to playfulness and interest – and keep it that way. Easy. Still, plenty of people forget this, end a night prematurely because they aren’t ready to entertain, and never get another chance. Just don’t do that.
Be Clean in Every Way
Take care of your own hygiene. You’d be surprised how often bad breath is the deal-breaker. In fact, an offending smell is one of the most unattractive things known to humanity. Chances are at some time or other in your own past it ended what would have been a beneficial connection.
So, considering we lose any sense or our own scent very quickly, it’s best to play it safe. Assume you smell awful, and take the necessary precautions. Brush teeth twice. Bring along some sort of breath saver (I like the film ones because they’re small and make no noise in pockets). If you sweat, wash, and if you can’t wash, deodorize.
Cheap aftershave – used in MODERATION – can be a godsend.
As far as fashion goes, you don’t need to be straight off a Paris runway. In fact, unless you have talent in this area, simple is the best way to keep it. A nice pair of chinos and a plain black shirt is PLENTY as long as you wear it with confidence.
Flashier things can you some attention, but before you put them on you want to be sure it isn’t the wrong kind. Simple is fine. Really. Just look clean and fresh and you’ll have no problems.
Carry around an odor and stains and no matter how cool you are, your social value takes a dive and you’re cutting yourself off from most women (hot granolas excepted).
Create the Attraction
Be playful and fun and extend your meeting. This can mean getting a number or email, shifting your locale, or any of a million other things. The main purpose here is NOT to bring a woman to bed, but merely to ATTRACT her. All you need be concerned with is getting her interested enough that she wants to spend more time with you.
Best to do it with your relaxed and playful attitude, but if time is short, you can get a number with little more than confident politeness. Don’t worry about what comes later. Just get her into you to begin.
Lead her somewhere - together
Change locations. This can happen at the same time, or at a later date. This is where your scene-shifting skills come into play, where the fact that you are somewhere TOGETHER is both natural and enjoyable. If things are going well at this point you can shift quickly into physical contact, but at the least you should start introducing familiarities like hand-holding and relaxed (unpervy) touching. You’re building to a later point here, so don’t try to take more than is being offered – you’ll get turned down and likely lose a number of points, digging yourself a deep hole.
Just concentrate on establishing and strengthening your connection here. Again, that should be your ONLY GOAL. If want you really want is to sleep with this girl, fine. That comes later.
Don’t be the shortstop who looks where the throw’s supposed to go and misses the ground ball. Stay focused on your contact with the lady. The rest will follow successfully.
Get private
Now you’ve established contact, and the lady is into you. What do you do? BRING HER HOME. Her place or yours – whichever works with the seed you’ve created earlier (Have you heard the new Coldplay album?) Once you get her there, don’t rush things – she’s already basically said she’s interested in going further, but push too fast and you’ll turn her off and undo all the good you did earlier.
Instead, take your time here. In fact, if you wait just a little bit longer than she’s comfortable with – or play hard-to-get yourself (I don’t think you get to sleep with me just because we both like Coldplay!) that’s even more powerful.
Turn up the Heat
All you need now is the transition to PHYSICAL connection. Ah, that’s always a great place to trip yourself up, isn’t it?
Well, fear not.

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Derek Vitalio

Seduce Faster with Visual Rehearsal

Too many guys attempt to learn seduction from the comfort of their chairs.
The fact is you need to go out into the field and get real, actual practice to improve. Only through real practice can you learn the nuances of seduction and really internalize the new behaviors.
Without practice, you may “know” a lot of book theory, but you won’t have the muscle memory of how to act. You won’t know how to bring the right piece of knowledge in at the right moment. You won't know how to your theoretical map onto real world situations.
It would be like reading every book on basketball ever written, and then going onto the field having never actually practiced. You’re not going to win any games.
Your brain can only keep track of one or two new things at once. Without practice, in real world situations your brain will be overloaded with knowledge and options that you haven’t internalized yet. You’ll have trouble recalling what you’re supposed to do and say – under the situation of the moment, all of your reading knowledge will leave you.
Only through practice can you really internalize the principles to the point where you don’t have to think about them – you just DO them.
Now, you don’t have to rely on field experience alone to improve. You also practice AFTER the field experience, when you get home.
Practicing after the actual event is a visual rehearsal.
When you do a visual rehearsal, you simply imagine what you did earlier that day all over again, while it’s still fresh in your mind.
You sit down in a chair where it’s quiet, and imagine your entire interaction with girl in vivid detail. For example, if you approached a girl at the mall, you would imagine the mall in vivid detail. You would imagine spotting the girl, noticing what she was wearing, and walking up to her.
You might imagine in a third person perspective, looking down at yourself, or from a 1st person perspective looking through your own eyes. It doesn’t matter.
Imagine how you walked up to her and your body language. Imagine what you said and how she reacted. Imagine the entire interaction from start to finish. This is the visual rehearsal.
Here’s where the learning part comes in. By visually and vividly reexamining the interaction, you’ll be able to spot obvious mistakes. Were you gawky or nervous? Could anything about your nonverbals be improved? Did you deliver the opener well in a playful, relaxed way? How did you follow up the opener?
The visual rehearsal should approach reality as close as possible so that your brain won’t be able to tell the difference.
Now start experimenting. Make some changes. Imagine how you should have approached the girl, ideally.
Imagine using a different opener and seeing how she would have reacted differently.
Imagine what you could have said when you stalled and ran out of something to say.
Get that new routine or story you read yesterday and imagine delivering it in the interaction to build some attraction.
Because the interaction is so fresh in your mind, you’ll be able to practice new openers and routines in the interaction vividly in your mind.
Here’s the magic: the outcomes you imagine will be generally accurate.
Meaning, if you imagine using a new routine, the response you imagine from the girl will be generally accurate.
That’s because if the experience is fresh in your mind and you have first hand experience of the events, like all human beings you have a natural knack for knowing how other human beings will respond to you.
Try variation after variation. Practice over and over the interaction as a visual rehearsal for an hour – again and again four, five, six, or seven times. Try this opener, then that opener. Try smiling, try changing your body angle, change your cues.
And even if you went out and you stalled on approaching the girl, visually rehearse what you should have done.
Remember, the visual rehearsal should be like watching a movie, except where you’re the director. That’s why it’s so critical to do the visual rehearsal immediately after the experience. If you wait two days later, it won’t work!
I had a dream not too long ago that I was flying. But this dream was different. While flying in the dream I *realized* I was dreaming. I *realized* I was in a dream. This is called a LUCID dream.
Once I realized that I was flying in my dream, I started to consciously control it. I flew on roofs. I flew over the ocean. I did stunts. It was so REAL. Freaky real. Real because I had total conscious control over what I was doing… yet it didn’t feel like my imagination, it felt REAL. I realized within the dream I could wake myself up, but I didn’t want to because it was so cool to fly.
I’ve only had lucid dreams a few times in my life (at least that I can remember) and in some ways a visual rehearsal is not much unlike a lucid dream.
It should seem real, but you’re in total control.
Your brain will actually LEARN new skills this way, very quickly.
Try it. It’s one of my favorite methods of learning.
Just remember, do it based on a REAL experience you JUST had. Go out to a club and mall where there are girls. Even if you don’t approach them, just get an experience and environment FRESH in your head as a base to work with.
And keep practicing at it and you’ll find that you get better and better.

If you want to learn more check out The Seduction Science 3rd Edition .

Until next time,
Derek Vitalio

Stop Dating… and Get Laid!

You know why most guys can’t get dates?
Because they try to get dates.
You think I’m going to talk to you about some Buddhist you-can’t-get-what-you-most-want thing here, and I am, in a way.
Just not the way you expect it.
Listen, if you set yourself up in a “date” situation, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’re giving her an opportunity to say no. Even if you get the “yes,” you are setting yourself for an awkward encounter.
Most of all, you’re setting yourself up for judgment.
That’s not we do here in seduction science land.
You don’t want to activate her rational mind – you’re just asking for a whole slew of bad things to happen.
Her rational mind is the one that goes about picking mates. And unless you REALLY like spending months unsatisfied and a large floral bill, that isn’t the way to go.
You can start a relationship with a girl WITHOUT all that if you want… and you can have a purely physical relationship with a girl without all that, if you want. You have to trigger her on an emotional level. An attraction level.
And that means, NO DATES. The world’s a funny place.
So what do you do instead? You go on INSTANT dates.
Let me explain.
If you’re conversing with a girl and everything is going well, LEAD her somewhere. It can just be across the room, but LEADING is a powerful thing. More than you’d ever guess.
Say “Hey, I want to show you something.” Or “I want to tell you something.” Take her hand – if she returns a squeeze you know you’re in – and then have a little nugget ready to legitimize your leading. It can be a silly prop you carry with you, or a charming line you’ve worked out, just make sure it isn’t TOO corny. Be the good boy scout we all know you are, and be prepared for this.
By the way, if you’ve made out a little by this point, that’s a teeny help. As you might imagine.
If you feel a little strange doing this leading, then get her ready to accept it. How? Get her saying yes.
“Do you like to have fun?”
“Are you adventurous?”
“I don’t show everyone this, but want to see something special?”
That was easy, wasn’t it? People tend to feed off patterns, and if you get her agreeing with you, her natural tendency will be to continue.
By comparison, you don’t want to ask too many negative questions.
“You aren’t a weirdo, are you?”
“You don’t fly off the handle easily, do you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Want to see something?”
“Uhh, not really.”
That exchange makes sense too – just not the kind of sense we want to make.
So get her saying yes, and take her to another part of wherever you are – a corner of the club, a table at the bar, a desk at the library. Use physical contact – but slightly undefined. You don’t want to be a schoolmarm about it, but you don’t want to be a lounge lizard either. You don’t want her knowing exactly WHAT it is.
Then, keep going with STEPS. Your goal shouldn’t be to get her in bed, you should try to simply get her to the next STEP. If you say “Let’s ditch the losers you’re hanging out with and have sex in my Chevy,” well, that might work with a few (VERY drunk) women, but for the most part, that ain’t gonna work.
Call it a hunch.
The woman wants to feel that the progression is natural… she wants to be able to tell her girlfriends later “I don’t know how… but it just worked. It just… happened!”
Small steps feel natural.
Sexual propositions in the first five minutes do not.
So once you’ve led her somewhere, lead her again. Take her to a new venue – you don’t need to separate you from her group, nor do you need to diss your buds. You simply need to go somewhere new TOGETHER.
Congratulations. You just reframed the world, and now you’re in it together. Instead of a serious deliberation of whether she wants to go out with you, and her judging the way you play with your jello, you’ve created a bond with her. And you’ve done it in a natural way.
MUCH better.
Next step? Well, usually one place hasn’t cemented the bond, so a second stop is often in order. As the night goes on friends will peel away, but if you’ve created attraction in your target, she won’t.
Yeah, maybe she really DOES have to be up at 4 am to pick up her sister at the airport. Mostly, though, those are just excuses if she’s having second thoughts about the NATURAL progression of the evening. It’s your job to create enough sparks that she will convince herself to stay with you, even if she DOES have a sister coming in on the red-eye.
If the attraction is there, sleep becomes secondary.
Next, you need to get her to your place. Some guys like to “need” a ride since their friends have left earlier, or some like to offer one. Personally, I like to use her car, since it sets you up to arrive at your pad first.
Earlier in the evening, you should have planted a seed excuse to get her inside. Perhaps you’ve talked music and there’s a CD she should borrow… or there’s the video clip you simply must show her… or you could just say “This is fun, let’s keep talking”… whatever it is, it needs to be INSIDE.
By this point in the evening, if you’re expecting to get further, you should have already been physically intimate, probably at the first spot where you met. If you have, once you’ve got her in your dwelling, it should be an easy transition into some serious lurve.
If you haven’t laid the physical groundwork, this can be much more difficult, but it’s still possible. She’ll probably be hesitant to come in (pre-kiss, you’re an assault risk, post-kiss, you’re a guy she’s physically attracted to) but if she does, that probably means she wants to keep going.
This is NOT an excuse to force yourself on the lady. There is NEVER a time that is appropriate… outside SM play, anyway.
That’s not about attraction or sexiness. If you’ve got the chemistry going, she’ll WANT to keep going… and if she doesn’t, that usually means you simply need to step back and build up the sexual tension to a good level.
Get her on the bed. Give her a taste of that massage technique you talked about earlier… that shirt sure does get in the way, doesn’t it? Let’s get rid of that… can you see where this is going?
The important thing is to take everything step by step, making sure she is comfortable at each stop along the way, and most importantly, feeling ATTRACTION. Otherwise, you’ll never make it up the ladder.
If you HAVE got the attraction happening, though, and lead her up a gradual slope with the pinnacle in your bedroom, you’ve just found the way to skip the date and get to the good stuff.
This applies even if it doesn’t occur in a single night – when you meet a woman, you should avoid date situations, and instead go with “I’m doing this, why don’t you come too?” That kind of attitude ALWAYS beats “I’d like to take you out sometime.”
Do it right, and you’ll be able to choose whatever approach you prefer, from pursuing the one night stand to carefully screening the women who MIGHT experience the joy of your bed over a few meetings. Pick your pleasure.
Just steer clear of traditional dates. Unless your goal is an improbable marriage to someone who, for all you know, could be a virgin. Lord knows you’ve never touched her.
If that’s your goal, by the way, stop reading and burn your computer now.
If your goal is to meet a LOT of women and pick one (or more) who are right for you, then keep studying, grasshopper. The above wisdom is useful, but without the proper tools and knowing how to create interpersonal magic with ladies as you choose, it’s a nice dream, is all. If you want to know more about how to create that ATTRACTION and move from sexual tension to bedroom release, you should check out my NEW book, The 3rd Seduction Science Book. Take a look, and see how YOU can consider making out on the dance floor just another step on the way to greater rewards.


Derek Vitalio

The Secrets of Body Language

What do you say when you don’t say anything?
We dance around this topic all the time, but it’s ready for the spotlight: body language. This is the most important thing not just when dealing with women, but with communication period.
Nothing else even comes close.
Wonder why that thick-as-a-post jock got all the women when charming funny nervous sitcom-character-in-waiting guy got nothing in high school?
Body language.
Why James Bond got his pick of the litter and the brilliant Q got more quality time with gadgets?
Body language.
Why that homely busboy at the corner Italian restaurant takes home all the gorgeous patrons and the handsome maitre-de takes home doggy bags?
Garlic. The busboy stank of it and THAT is a huge turn-on.
Just seeing if you were paying attention.
All those other things you THOUGHT did the trick were just extra fuel for the fodder. Body language is the key to EVERYTHING.
Why? Because it is the symptom that tells you everything you need to know about the INSIDE of a person.
It clues you in to the person’s confidence, their openness, even their sexual skills. And if you send out the wrong signals – which most people do – then you’ve given yourself a SERIOUS hole to dig out from.
Conversely, if your movements say the right things you are on top of a BIG mountain that you’d have to work to screw up.
The unfortunate thing is you have a CHOICE about what you say, and most don’t realize it. Or they choose to ignore it and remain “themselves,” as if we are static representations of an image that never changes.
WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG! If there was a hand near me, I’d slap it. Good thing I type with my feet.
People are dynamic, and ever-changing. In fact, we are NEVER the same as we were in the past. Those changes show up in our body language, but that doesn’t mean we should abandon control.
If so, we wouldn’t bother with school, riding a bike, and everyone would still be a virgin. After all, we were all virgins once, weren’t we?
Look, there’s a difference between being UNAWARE of something, and being INDIFFERENT. Unaware just means we don’t know what we’re doing with ourselves. Ignorance may be bliss, but it’s not helpful.
Indifference is when you know what’s going on, but you choose to ignore it. WRONG! Where’s that hand!
You can’t be passive all your life and expect things to come to you. The world doesn’t work that way (my apologies to all silver-spooners I’ve offended with this blanket statement that merely applies to 100% of all living things, rounded to the closest .00000001).
You need to be ACTIVE. You need to TAKE CHARGE of your life, and that means taking an ACTIVE role in the changes that happen to you.
They’re coming either way. Personally, I’d rather have a vote.
So no whining about the walk you’ve developed and how that represents YOU as you are now. If that walk doesn’t work, kill it. Time to get a new one.
And there’s a bonus beyond the initial differences that changing your body language communicates to the outside world.
It also can change your inner one.
Seriously, this works. The Japanese have long held the belief that a cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind, and a clean one, a clear one. The outer world touches our inner one, and when you change the way you move, you also change the way you think.
Don’t believe me? Try it. Pick a wall and stand up straight against it. Your feet, butt, shoulders, and head should all touch the wall, exerting about the same amount of pressure (no smooshing). Now walk away from the wall, but hold the pose for 5 minutes.
How do you feel? Right, like someone stuck a pole up your ass. Just what we were going for.
It’s going to feel weird for awhile, because it’s different and new. Keep going, though, and eventually it won’t feel weird. In fact, it’ll start to feel GOOD. You’ll find yourself with this new CONFIDENCE that wasn’t there before and doesn’t seem to have much of an explanation.
Except that you are standing like you are confident. Cause and affect get blurred, and you wind up FEELING a certain way just because you are ACTING that way.
Either way, you look better standing straight, and you project confidence to all comers. Women find you more attractive, even if they aren’t self-aware enough to know why. Co-workers and those around you often might comment that you seem… DIFFERENT.
Congratulations young Jedi, you’re on your way.
Standing up straight is about as basic as it comes, but non-verbal communication goes much deeper.
When you walk and lead with your head, not only are you hunching and sending out uncomfortable self-conscious shrinking vibes, but you’re also telling people that you tend to THINK a lot. Maybe more than you should.
Lead with your stomach, it speaks to your appetites and emotions.
Lead with your pelvis, and it says you are sexually experienced and confident.
This might sound like a lot of new-agey crap, but try it. Walk around for awhile leading with different parts of your body, and notice the changes that happen in your head. It’s real, VERY real. And there’s no reason bad chairs in abandoned classrooms should have more of a say about how you feel than you do.
Those nervous tics, those fidgety hands? Lose ‘em. Every button you finger while talking to someone – especially an attractive woman who’s trying to make a snap judgment about you – is a negative. Every fast jerky motion says you have low self-esteem – it’s like you have to get it done before some stronger guy comes along to stop you.
It’s like the beta wolves trying to feed before the alpha wakes up and wants more – complete with herky-jerky looks to check for his approach. This shit runs deep.
When you make eye-contact and drop it first. Oh god no. In our part of the animal kingdom, this is strong supplicating behavior. There are monkeys which tear the arms off other animals – including humans – if they don’t drop gaze first.
So if you are looking at a woman and look away before she does? You’ve just said she’s in control, and her chances of becoming attracted to you pretty much disappear.
That’s not to say you stare from a far distance. That’s stalker behavior – when far enough away betas get bolder – and she’ll think you a freak. This is about close quarters, the moment before a conversation starts.
Crossing your arms? Stop that. You’re telling everyone to stay away, so don’t be surprised when they do.
Leaning in to your target? Why not just say “I want to have sex with you.” That’s exactly what you’re doing, and most guys do it so early that it’s a major turn-off (unlike once she’s primed, in which case it can start speeding things up).
Standing in her personal space (which for most people is about 18 inches to 3 feet away)? You’re triggering her to run away, which is NOT a feeling you want linked with you. Standing right on the border of her personal space? This can be golden if you do it right, creating a certain tension in her mind although she probably won’t know what from. Much like really needing to piss can lead to a boner, this tension can become sexual.
Standing well outside her personal space and not directing your body at her, remaining somewhat detached? Now that’s good – she’s gonna want to know why she doesn’t have your attention, and might start working to get YOUR approval. Don’tcha love that?
There are thousands of little cues we give off to each other, and the BEST way to learn them is to see them in action. Go out and find some guys doing well with the ladies. Watch them, see what they’re doing with their bodies, and what responses they are getting. If you think you’ve identified a non-verbal communication that signals confidence or sexual prowess or just general alpha-ness, go practice it. Try it out. Odds are you won’t get it the first time, but don’t let that discourage you. There is no better way.
The second-best way, though, is by studying the subject using the material iny my course Non-Verbal Sexual Cueing, now available in audio CD. Everything contained in this newsletter is covered in much greater detail, as well as hundreds of other helpful hints and techniques that will correctly adjust and fine tune the nuances your body language.
Until next time.

Derek Vitalio